sometimes i wish i can disappear. from the face of this earth. maybe just to the ends of the world. i think what i said yesterday was kinda wrong. if my world ever falls apart, i will not crumble under it, i will be crashed by the falling pieces because i dont think i ever will have the strength to stand up. where's God, you ask. well, if i have God, my world wont fall apart. yeps. thats where God is in my world. He holds it together. without God i have no one else. really. maybe not a definite really but somewhat close.

i was dreading each step that was taking me closer to home. had a really bad evening with ryan. it sounds so bad but sometimes i wish i could have given him that slap and then walk out on tuition. i know i cant. and i wont. i dont have a dysfunctional family. but i would want it to be more normal. with mummy cooking dinner and not having dinner at some 830 in the evening, daddy to come home every night and my brother to stop sleeping in the hall.

i wish i have the strength of mind to do the things that i want to do. like going on a trip alone. like finally getting down to drawing something that i can be proud of to put on a teeshirt to sell. to draw a book for myself. to get As for school. to start remembering things - like scripture and lectures. to donate money. to have a signature so i can stop thumbprinting my bank books. to stop splurging money.

some kids stop believing in santa at a certain age. i stopped believing in best friends around the same time too. summer has gone and beautiful autumn, i wonder when i will experience real autumn. till then.

(: