i went in search of my own happiness today. haha. i went to the one-room flat where my group was supposed to do. i walked and walked and couldnt find it until a long long time. before i went up the block of flats, i sat by the void deck and talked to this old lady with her granddaughter. but i chickened out when i went up the flat. i got scared and didnt dare walk down the corridor. yeah man. haha. as i was going down the lift, i talked to this old lady, i wished i talked a little more. i wish i walked down the corridor and talked to the lady sitting at the end.

oh well.

i got more to say but i am tired. after stretchfit and kickboxing.
instant gratification.

blah.

sometimes i wish i can disappear. from the face of this earth. maybe just to the ends of the world. i think what i said yesterday was kinda wrong. if my world ever falls apart, i will not crumble under it, i will be crashed by the falling pieces because i dont think i ever will have the strength to stand up. where's God, you ask. well, if i have God, my world wont fall apart. yeps. thats where God is in my world. He holds it together. without God i have no one else. really. maybe not a definite really but somewhat close.

i was dreading each step that was taking me closer to home. had a really bad evening with ryan. it sounds so bad but sometimes i wish i could have given him that slap and then walk out on tuition. i know i cant. and i wont. i dont have a dysfunctional family. but i would want it to be more normal. with mummy cooking dinner and not having dinner at some 830 in the evening, daddy to come home every night and my brother to stop sleeping in the hall.

i wish i have the strength of mind to do the things that i want to do. like going on a trip alone. like finally getting down to drawing something that i can be proud of to put on a teeshirt to sell. to draw a book for myself. to get As for school. to start remembering things - like scripture and lectures. to donate money. to have a signature so i can stop thumbprinting my bank books. to stop splurging money.

some kids stop believing in santa at a certain age. i stopped believing in best friends around the same time too. summer has gone and beautiful autumn, i wonder when i will experience real autumn. till then.

(:

i was thinking.. if my world ever falls apart. i will crumble under it.

just a passing thought.

i slacked the whole day. i better work through the night.

good morning!

(:

25sept

some things need no explanation, justification or reason.

like why i dont talk to people in school.

like why am i afraid of crowds.

like why do i dislike loud noises.

like why i love my mum.

like why i think drinking coffee and drawing are the nicest things.

like why i believe eating fish makes me smart and fat.

i dont understand some things.

i dont understand why its so wrong for me to have expensive things.

like why its not okay to think its expensive to watch a move yet have a pair of glasses that cost 500dollars.

why my brother likes to sleep in the living room.

why i am so sleepy now.

why i prefer melancholy to others.

i need to take my shower and sleep now.

term break starts now!

woohoo~

(:

23sept

wisdom comes at a price.

i have a massive headache plus a swollen left cheek.

i dont know whether to remove the tooth now.

the earliest the dentist can see me is wednesday.

dont go to a dentist who has to attend conferences and gives lectures.

aiya.

(:

22sept

i got kissed today.

wahahahhahaha!

thad kissed me on the left cheek.

i practically jumped into the lift.

on a lousier note..

i think my left lower wisdom tooth is impacting the other tooth.

my gum hurts now.

whatever. i am not removing it!

(:

21sept

GOD IS FAITHFUL! AMEN TO THAT EVERYONE!

a load of my otherwise burdened heart!

guitar class has 3 people again. hahaha.

theres this 14 year old girl in the class. today we spoke a little more. and i am glad i am making friends. i am taking initative cos i am older by so much. i like her. shes quite cute!

school has been bad in a way. i havent been able to translate my thoughts into words.

one of my classmates goes backpacking annually or sth like that. i thought it was really awesome. i MUST talk to him soon. then maybe my trip will materialise next year!

woohoohooo~

sept19,06

i really enjoyed the anglican history lessons we had with rev soon. maybe i really like history. and i want to know my anglican roots. and i esp liked it when he talked about independent churches. i think theres this tinge of biasness. then again, i dont disagree.

i am extremely sleepy. and i am extremely glad i am not putting on weight! hahaha.

i wanna travel travel travel.

this lady nudged me on the mrt today and said my drawing is nice. thanks man!

remember radiance? someone drew in my new sketchbook the way she did. hehe.

summer's over. autumn is here. bye bye.

(:

i thought i will revert to my own template cos its small and cute and hard to read. hows this people? hahaha.

(:

i was quite random today. especially after worship. i kinda rushed through the masterlife bits and started talking. studies is not an end to itself. we really need to chill man!

rachel was commenting how sad my blog was. i told her i was naturally depressed and sad. haha. but i am making the effort to cheer up. you cant say you got the joy of the Lord and yet be depressed right? dont comment otherwise. joy shows up on the face..

anyway, its a great sunday!

(:

i am gonna sew something for violet. i dont know what yet, but it gotta be something pink. cos i only have pink felt. hehehe.

maybe i can make her a little book too.

hmm.mm..

i think sometimes people take things too literally.

you give me the creeps.

lalallaa.

yes papa! thanks lots for the thought!

(:

yesterday i was moody and sick.
i overslept.
my printer printed at one page a day for the crucial morning.
i paid 20bucks for the taxi to school.
i grabbed the wrong pile of notes for my morning tutorial presentation.
i puked upon reaching school.
yesterday the surrounding was just one big freezer.
feeling emo and hungry, i asked a few lot of friends if they wanted dinner.
then again, who would want to eat with a random person on a friday night.

so i went home.
and along the way, i cleared most of my phone book.
wahahahhaa.

you know those people you never call and their names are in there.
they take up space in the sim memory. so i took them away.

yea.

lovejianfu. not!

hahhaa.

such a lovely day to sleep in.

(:

i was out with SL to meet terry&ket who were back from cambodia for a little while. it was awesome meeting them. but as i was walking from citylink to esplanade, i saw the cute guy from the library with his girlfriend. sob sob, so disappointing.


WAHAHAHHAA!


i am only kidding. he's only marginally cute. i will go look for cuter people.


belgium is next in the list of desired places to travel too.

met aicheng and priscilla in the morn. we realised we are ultra scared of boss even though he's our ex now. hahaha.

i am tired.

i am doing the next tutorial - account for the rise of CCP and the fall of KMT in the 1940s. boohoohooo. but it's sorta straightforward, so i guess it's fine. if there's no cell this friday, i will go to the art museum.

and yea.. i cant believe what i heard today... WAHAHAHAHHA!


i dont understand what makes me depressed and what tickles me silly.. but i know God's mercies are new every morning.


loveshirley (:

i feel that i am living in my own world.

anyway, theo and tina wrote such nice emails! woohoo!



(:

Finland is has been added to my desired holiday destination. having met people from there (exchange students during poly days), written postcards to people there and having received postcards from there, i wanna visit the place man! the land of santa claus! hahaha.

not exactly an awesome, but i got nothing to complain about. i wanted to go for a talk but we took the wrong bus, so i got company for breakfast/lunch/dinner at JP.

i reached home to RECEIVE FOUR AWESOME POSTCARDS!! i was really glad and almost jumped at that moment.

i need to reach home earlier from now on. my neighbour commented in the lift - 'so early ah' at seven plus in the evening.

guitaring is fun. hahaa. at least i am having fun practising. hehee. i really need the structure to help me learn. i know 8 chords now! hehehee.

hahaha...


(:

i love the smell of the kitchen and the fridge after working with lemons!

lemon butter is tasty. yum yum!

mummy bought the ceral i like. yay!

something kinda strange happened today.
grandpa bought his granddaughters a gold necklace each.

i went to starbucks alone today and i enjoyed it.
i wonder why i have not been doing that.

i need a vegetable peeler and a new knife!

i got my measuring cups today! wahaha!

six people had viewed my friendster profile since 3/9/2006.

have i mentioned my guitar class has only 3 people.
and we graded each week. oh dear!

aicheng is pregnant! woo! and we are meeting on tuesday! double woo!

each day feels either a wait or a struggle.
oh dear! why am i so depressed.

well well well...

i really wanna travel.
so i am appealing for a travel partner.
no preferred gender/age/whatever.
for a period from 5may-24jun.
(thats all the hols the government is giving and paying for)
vietnam - hanoi
cambodia - siem reap
thailand - chiang mai
malaysia - MELAKA!!!!! (my dream destination!!)
(these are just some places i wish i can visit)

if no one wants to go then i have to beg my mummy to let me go alone.

yeah.

on and off, i will think about my teaching degree. a childhood ambition, a calling and almost somewhere a little in the distant, a gift. it is what i feel what God wants me to do, but at the same time, i feel that it is very restrictive and it is suffocating me. i can never, in the next seven years say that i want to take a break and leave for a year. i dont know, but perhaps this is God's provision of a structure and discipline He know i lack. whatever it is, pray that patience manifest in my life so that i can wait to see the Lord's glory in its fullness.

i start my proper guitar lesson on thursday. it is pretty exciting. anticipation is always exciting. thats why i try not to read the end of the book or finish a show too quickly. but i lack the patience.

i wash my long hair for the last time, i hope. except after gym tomorrow. hahha. chopping off my hair.. its too tedious to wash it and dry it and tie it and brush it daily.

had dinner with daddy and mummy and eric today. patrick is still in china and is coming back soon. i need to clean his jacket and make it look like i havent used it at all. hahaha. i was talking and talking and talking during dinner. i hope everyone was happy during dinner at least.

i need to go out and play in the sun. i havent seen the sun for a long time. but theres NO time!! hahaa. heck la. i will just sit in the sun in school one of these days.


(:

i am tired.
the ladies retreat was a blast, so to speak.
coming home was awesome.
received emails from mingghee and terry.
I LOVE MINGGHEE'S EMAILS!
katerine received the postcard and she likes it!
YE was pretty usual.
letting go of bitterness is a small thing that brings big relief.
i am tired.
ZZZzz.

GOD IS AWESOME!